A Reflection on 21

When I reflect upon my 21st year, I see 365 days of immense personal growth. A shift in both mindset and goals, while also forming a more intimate relationship with myself. It started as a year where I was already trying to work on myself, and now as I look back on the last 12 months I can see that I really did lean into that. It is a bit of an answer to the age old question, "what if I kept going". Because, here I am, a year later.

21 was the year that I shifted my mindset on self care. We stopped working out based on bitterness or a desire to lose weight, and found a path in trying new things, and taking care of my body (because I only get one). I committed to going to therapy every week or two — not because I really need it and would have a meltdown without it, but in order to take care of myself and avoid any potential future meltdowns.

I became more comfortable being “boring” and prioritizing my goals over doing things just because it felt like I should do them. Going to the bars when I really want to wake up early and workout, or picking up an extra shift when I really just want to go out. I tried to become more comfortable not running at peak efficiency at all times. Serving both your short and long term goals is a delicate balance with a lot of grey zone -- and you're the only one that can decide if your hitting that balance. And that balance will vary through the seasons of a year and through the seasons of life. Appreciate the nights of eating chipotle and watching Sister Wives. I realized work is not everything -- my nurse manager told me that one employee will never be the unit so don't let the unit monopolize your own life. That kind of shifted things into perspective for me this year. Delegation is an important skill in order to achieve everything.

There was many moments when I wanted to quit, take the easy way out, or just see the fruits of my labor without any of the labor. I often wondered if I was doing the right thing, without resolution for months. Some resolution I still seek -- but have faith will come with time. But I learned the importance of sticking to values and morals. For without them, we can really lose ourselves.

I graduated college with Bachelor’s in Nursing and am now getting ready to take my boards (hope that goes well). I did my first couple “big girl” job interviews and had to decide between hospitals — looking at things like health insurance and tuition benefits and work environment to pick where I wanted to go. I got my dream job! I’ll be delivering both high and low risk babies with a team I already work with and know and appreciate. I’ve wanted to work in obstetrics since I was 15 — so a big full circle moment. I remember when it all felt so far away and like I could never do it -- now here we are. I spent several days this year crying in my professors office, but in the end it paid off. I recently heard the gospel of working silently -- over the months and years until you can finally see your goals pay off until they are undeniable.

In relationships, I’ve learned to be more assertive and not ignore red flags. At least I hope so! Both romantically and in friendships. Avoiding an uncomfortable conversation now will simply lead to a more uncomfortable conversation later. I try to live by if it still bothers me after 24 hours, say something before 48 hours go by, Give no time or energy to things that don’t contribute positivity. If they are not a net positive experience, they're not an experience you need.

I’m looking so forward to see what year 22 has in store for me. Probably lots of ups and downs -- and growth. I'm now able to more easily recognize how much I don't know. We're in this odd period of life where our five year plans now slot us as adults instead of college kids, but 5 years ago I was just a high schooler. I have a lot to figure out and work on, but I cling to those close to me for guidance and support.

Going into this year, I'm happy where I am and I'm happy with where the last year took me. I'm surrounded by amazing people who fill my heart with joy and make me laugh. I've persevered through hardships, and held true to my values. I've become more of a lifelong learner, and learned the importance and true definition of activism.