A Moment Of Selfishness

As I finish up my finals for the semester and I prepare to go home for the semester, I feel an immense sense of dissatisfaction. Of loss. Yes, there is accomplishment and pride there. But, it is overshadowed by an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction.

To preface this, I want to begin with acknowledging that I am fully aware there are people who have had it much worse than me. I didn't lose my job, I continued my education, I have not yet lost anyone I love due to COVID, and I have an amazing fully who I've grown so much closer with. But, I follow this with the reminder that we all feel pain and struggle and it does nothing to diminish another person's. We all feel pain.

I’m sure that someday I will get over it. But, I’ve lost so much in my first two years of college. If you’re unfamiliar with how nursing school is set up, the first two years and for your prerequisites and the last two are the really difficult, nitty-gritty, nursing and clinical courses. Because of this, nursing students are encouraged to really “live it up” in their first two years. And I had fully intended on doing that, and I think I did what I could with what I had.

Right now, we have an entire generation of young people who, in their most social years, haven’t actually had the opportunity to be social. Not to take away from other generations who have their own struggles, but I do think this social starvation is something that we will be dealing with for years to come with younger generations. We will, I believe, be dealing with the mental and social repercussions of this for years to come.

I came to college excited for the time of my life, as that as what I had been promised. I struggled in high school finding a place to belong, and quite honestly never really found it. Then I came to Fisher and I loved it. It was everything I could have dreamed of. It led me to embrace the parts of myself that I had previously shirked away from, and really just let me grow into myself. Then COVID hit.

As of now, I’ve spent essentially an equivalent amount of time in my dorm room while in college, as I have in my childhood bedroom. I’m incredibly blessed and grateful to have an amazing family that I definitely don’t mind being with, as I know that is not the case for all, but I still wonder what I missed out on.

I was supposed to study abroad in Costa Rica this semester, as I am a spanish minor. I actually came to Fisher because they allowed nursing students to study abroad where most colleges don't, but they only allow them to go this semester. So, as a result of COVID, I will never be able to study abroad and I will likely never reach that level of fluency in spanish. I have missed out on countless social interactions and events that I will never get back. So many moments and times I will never experience.

However, there have undoubtedly been positives and I’m fully aware of this. I’ve been able to really lean into my writing and other hobbies this year. I started writing for the campus newspaper, which I love and plan on trying to continue next year. I even have a leadership position as the director of social media, and I typically publish 1-3 articles a week. I was able to be an editor for my schools scholastic research journal which is a huge honor, and I even got to have one of my pieces published in said journal which is an incredible honor. I took this really amazing creative writing class that I love, and I’ve started submitting my pieces to literary journals. Oh, and I started my blog back up! And I started taking classes with the church at my school which have become the highlight of my week. All positives! That I would not have had if I went to Costa Rica.

I think, for me, it validates that I do have the ability to use my writing. Coming from such a small school there was always that sense of “are you good? Or are you small-town good”. We all knew that our talents were inflated based on a sheer lack of competition, but for me this year I was able to gain confidence in myself as a writer. Not to say I’m perfect. Not to say I haven't been rejected or critiqued. But I’ve realized that I can handle the rejection and critiques. Because, believe me, I’ve faced much worse.

I’ve been able to work and train all over the hospital. Believe it or not, but COVID-19 is incredibly good for the career of a healthcare professional. I know that sounds incredibly morbid, but it’s true. More people need help, the more opportunities I have. Trust me, I wish I didn’t have the opportunities. I even got another job at a bigger hospital which I’m super excited for!

But, at the end of the day, there is a sadness for what could have been but will never be. And I know that is incredibly immature, and I’m sure that in time I will come to accept it and even be grateful. But for now, I think it’s acceptable and fair to want time to mourn the possibilities. Time to mourn my youth. My first two years of college turned into 40-50 hour weeks at the hospital. I could zip a body bag in my sleep, and I have the rhythm of chest compressions forever memorized. The hospital went from being a place of healing, to a palace of passing on. Trust me, I still love it and found it incredibly rewarding. But it's hard to see that everyday. It definitely changed me. And honestly, I hate talking about it because there is so few people who can actually understand, rather than just praise me. Being a healthcare hero is not all it's cracked up to be. It's been immensely rewarding and solidified my love of caring for those in need, but also pushed me to my limits.

I was 18 when COVID started, and I'll leave it at least 20 and with a whole new mindset. I experienced personal loss like I never have. I seriously feel like I’ve aged 10 years in the past year. Is that necessarily bad? No. But it is a reality I’ll have to live with. While I’ve gained, I’ve lost. We all have. And I guess, I’m just saying, it’s okay to feel both of those. It’s okay to be mad. I just wanted to be a dumb college kid, and I never will be again.