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Wow. So much has changed since I last made a post here. But perhaps, that is how I found my way back. Because, for me at least, no matter how far I may stray, writing always seems to find it’s way back. Regardless of if it seems like a good time or not. Like now; I’m sitting in my Modern Russia class and I think “I need to write again”.
It’s been a year, for essentially everyone on the planet. I won’t get into specificities but I’ve experienced immeasurable loss in my life in the past year or so, and then with COVID-19 on top… It can feel crushing sometimes. "Will the world ever feel bright and happy again" I often ponder. I work in a hospital as a technician, and I’m honored to do so. But, I’ve seen and done some things since this pandemic started that I truly would have never seen coming. It’s hard, and can feel overwhelming. The hospital used to feel like a place of community and healing, now it’s walls seep with sterility and death. A genuine fear of what lays within its walls has coated nearly everything. It's become a reality of everyday life.
However, as I touched on in my previous post “Find Your Happy”, I truly believe that in order to reach one’s full potential, they must have that thing. That thing that fulfills their soul’s purpose and allows them to grow as a person. That thing that they need not rely on anyone else for. For me, the past year has only solidified that perspective. I’ve written and read nearly every day, although I’ve seldom published it. But I think that is okay. Because when doing your “thing”, it is for yourself and no one else’s validation is necessary.
Through my writing, I’ve been able to form a more intimate relationship with both myself and others. I’ve both flourished and taken steps backwards. Some days I don’t want to write, some days I do but have no idea what to write, and sometimes the pen just hits the paper and glides. All of those and everything in between is okay. If the last year has taught me anything, it would be that we are human. Nothing more and nothing less. Just as with every aspect of our lives, our “things” will feel the same happiness, joy, love, frustration, despair, and anxiety. This is because, I believe, our “things” often complement the most intimate and vulnerable parts of us.
I’m not sure how many people will ever read this, but if you do, just know it is okay. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to be ecstatic. It’s okay to feel a sadness like none other you’ve ever felt. Embrace your humanity, lean into it. If you woke up tomorrow and turned on the television to see that the world would end in 24 hours, I doubt you would regret feeling any of those things. Feeling those things is the first and arguably most important step in finding your peace.
And your inner peace? Once you have that, all will be well. And by that I mean, you will realize it is okay for things to not always feel well. Because eventually they will again. There will always be days where we stumble and fall, but there will also always be days where we smile and laugh until our stomach hurts. Use your emotions, no matter what they may be, to bring yourself closer to yourself and your soul purpose and in turn that feeling of inner peace.
So yes, while there has been so much loss and pain and global suffering, I do still have so much to be thankful for. I have an amazing family that I've gotten to spend more time with, two amazing dogs, amazing friends who I'm surely not grateful enough for because how could I give them enough appreciation, I've been able to continue my studies, huge professional growth, and so much more. Even the little things, like how while I was unable to study abroad this semester I was able to write more for my campus newspaper which I love. While yes, this year sucks. Bad. No one can deny that. But, I must also remain thankful for that which I do still have.
I look forward to continuing to post. Just as much for myself, as for anyone who may accidentally stumble across this page.