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Living in Rochester, NY it seems like we can have an endless winter broken up by far too few months of warmth. So, earlier this week, when it was a balmy 80 with bright skies and no wind– people seemed to really embrace it. Including me.
I had a final and went to the gym in the morning, but afterwards planned on studying on campus with some friends and then maybe later going for a walk by the canal to really enjoy the weather. I mean, it was literally 80 in April! So, I dressed accordingly– a cute embroidered mesh shirt (that I’ve had since high school and bought at TJ Maxx... Scandalous!) and a pair of denim shorts. Honestly, I did not think twice about the outfit before leaving my apartment as I had worn it countless occasions prior.
The morning went without a hitch as I studied with friends in the coffee shop on campus, and before heading to the canal with my other friend I decided to stop at Wegmans on the way home. As to pick up something to make lunch.
However, as I was walking into Wegmans an older man came up to me and I was instantly put on guard. “Please take this! Jesus saves” he said as he tried to push a pamphlet into my hand. I, instinctively, recoiled and looked at what he was trying to give me. It was some informational (but seemingly homemade) pamphlet about Jesus. I politely refused, and tried to walk away– but he was not done. “But you can respect yourself! You don’t have to dress like that” he called after me. Suddenly it clicked in my brain exactly what was happening– and I was, for lack of a better word, pissed. How dare he.
I turned around and tried to be as polite as possible; saying something to the effect of that I did in fact respect myself very much and I expected the same respect from other people– as well as the fact that I already go to mass every week so maybe he should stop stereotyping people based on what they look like in the Wegmans parking lot. I may have also slid in there that his behaviour was not nearly as “loving” as he was trying to pass it off as.
Now, I’ve experienced discrimination based on my clothing before; whether it was in middle school being sent to the office because my shorts were too short (I was 5’10’’ and it’s near impossible to find shorts a fingertip length), or in high school when I was told that the boys team could practice completely shirtless and the girls team must wear shirts over their sports bras. Admittedly, I’ve been an open and vocal dress-code hater for many years, and this was just a reminder as to why. But, honestly, it’s been a while. I moved to a more progressive area, and haven’t experienced it in a while.
However, I think that this time was probably the most overt and open objectification of me that I’ve possibly ever experienced. Based off a first glance, I had been reduced down to an idea about what this man thought I was and what I should be. This man, that I’ve never met, had the audacity to approach me in public and assume that I did not respect myself or that I needed some sort of “help” based off how he felt about my outfit. Quite frankly, I find it appalling and incredibly telling about where we stand as a society that a well-educated, well-rounded, active, and kind young women can be targeted doing such a basic task as getting groceries. And quite frankly, I don’t care what this random middle aged man has to say about what I’m wearing– and he is not entitled to give me his opinion. I was taken back; "was I just slut shamed at Wegmans" I questioned to a nearby person watching the situation unfold who also looked dumbfounded.
As I walked into Wegmans, my mind reeled; “He has no idea that I have a double sided resume! Or that I’m going to nursing school so that someday I can take care of him and his family! I’m SNA president!” I gave myself a list of other random accolades to remind myself that I was in fact still worthy of the respect I gave myself. I would not wear this outfit to a meeting or a job interview, but there was no reason I shouldn’t wear it to study and be with my friends. I’m all for a time and a place and reading the room; “dressing for the audience” as my mom often says. But, that’s exactly what I did.
I hope that no man, or woman, ever feels entitled to use their own personal beliefs or religion to judge me or any other women. But, I know that’s unrealistic. So, what I really hope is that they don’t feel so comfortable with it that they feel the need to come up to me and talk to me about it. I feel genuine sorrow for the women, especially the young and impressionable, that may have experienced similar situations. I hope they know that what they random guy at wegmans thinks about them does not define them or their worth, and that they can most definitely respect themself while wearing what they want.
One of the best things about it may be that I do attend mass every week, so he really was barking up the wrong tree. I wonder/hope that through that interaction with me, I was able to teach him the very lesson he was trying to teach me– respect. Will I ever know? Hopefully not, as I don’t really want to run into him again on my next trip to wegmans. But, it was without a doubt, a reminder to me not to judge a book by its cover. Just because someone says that they want to spread the gospel does not make them a bad person, and neither does a mesh shirt make someone some groveling heathen.
May we learn to soften our tongues and our minds-- as well as to keep our tongues quiet when unwarranted. Because it's 2022 and there's no reason not to. So, I will continue to respect myself and I will, as a direct result of that respect, continue to wear what I want.
