We're All Good Women

Full disclosure; I don’t think I ever really knew a stay at mom, or a family who included one, until I went to college. At least not personally. And that is TOTALLY what college is for– meeting a more diverse group of people. And I totally have absolutely nothing against stay at home mom’s. Nothing at all. I could not even imagine the amount of work (emotional and physical) that would include. But, really, up until college I had no exposure to that.

Fast forward to college and I went to a Catholic school where many students came from more “traditional” family backgrounds. Which included a lot of stay at home moms, or parents in general. But, I’ll never forget the day in class where I was talking to my peers about what we wanted to do after college.

“I want to become a midwife. I plan on eventually getting my doctorate– although I’m not sure if I’ll do it in midwifery or leadership or something like that” I said excitedly to my group of friends. I genuinely couldn’t wait! And, without even realizing it, I expected them to agree with me.

“I’m probably going to be a nurse until I have kids. Then I want to stay home for at least a few years– maybe be a school nurse. I wouldn’t want to work while raising kids. Especially 12’s” said one of my friends.

Several of my other peers around the room seconded her opinion.

To rub salt in the wound a little bit more, they started to talk about when they wanted kids; "probably a few years after college. Maybe 24 or 26". I was mortified. I wanted to be spending my summers in Cabo-- not caring for another human. Heck, I was planning on waiting a few years to get a dog so that I could handle that responsibility. What kind of cold hearted monster was I?

I’ll be honest– it was an earth shattering moment for me. Truly. I had never even considered such an option. Not because I had anything against stay at home moms, but I had never seen such a thing. My Dad had worked 12’s and overnights and holidays my entire life. I quite literally knew no different. And I thought I had turned out just fine. Right?

That night I tossed and turned– I didn’t want to be a stay at home mom. Sure, maybe someday I want to be a working mom. I’d definitely be okay with a stay at home Dad. But a stay at home mom? I had absolutely no interest. Maybe I’ll change my mind someday, but that’s where I am right now. My entire life my parents always told me; “set yourself up for success by setting yourself so that you don’t need anyone else”. I genuinely wanted to go to work, deliver babies, prescribe birth control, educate, and change the face of women's healthcare. In my sheltered mind, it had never occurred to me that not everyone felt the same way. Like I said– earth shattering.

So as I laid there I wondered if I was cold and dead inside because the thought of staying home all day with my children for years on end was enough to make my skin crawl. I’ve always felt my purpose was to provide healthcare to women– was I inherently a bad woman for not wanting to provide that care for my children? So, here I was, laying there worrying about these children that I don’t have and have no plans on having anywhere in the near future. I like having nice things, going on vacation, and being a little material girl. I want the nice clothes, food, and cars. And I’ve worked really hard and plan to continue working hard so that I can have this life.

The same thing often happens with engagement announcements– or even when a friend makes a casual comment about getting married to her significant other. Personally, I’m out here battling this world on my own. And I’m really okay with that most of the time. It’s only when I start to compare myself to others that this starts to waiver. I remember a conversation with a friend after a messy breakup; “I always thought I would marry him!” she cried and at first I honestly thought she was joking. But I quickly realized that she was deadpan. Then I realized that thought had never crossed my mind– not because I”ve had such horrific experiences, but because marriage is SO far down on my list of priorities. Like, lets graduate first. But, I realized, for some people that’s a reality and that’s okay. It’s okay for experiences and priority lists to shift.

But as we grow, as I’ve experienced in my own life, your priorities may change and they may not align with your friends. And that’s okay. As long as the big ones still hit– it’s okay if you want to go straight to grad school and she wants to have kids younger because she’s with the right person for her. Neither of you are wrong.

As women, I think there is this societal pressure to play catch up and to establish “families” over anything else. And I could totally be wrong, but that’s just my experiences. And I just wanted to remind young women– it’s okay. If you have no idea what you want, if you know you want something different from other people, if you don’t want any kids, etc… You don’t owe anyone anything just because you have a set of fallopian tubes. And just because the people around you may have slightly different goals or expectations does not mean there aren’t people out there who feel the same way as you.

As I titled this article, I've always kind of found myself to be the chronically single friend. Not because I'm some leper (I hope at least), but rather because I'm kind of picky and I do have other priorities. I can honestly say that I think I know myself better than people who may be in chronic relationships. Having a comfort level with yourself is an important and under-utilized skill.

So do it; go to college, grad school, start that research project, make that big move, join the military, who knows. We finally live in a world where things are far from equal, but they are probably better than they ever have been. Follow what you think your purpose is, and figure the rest out later. And, I promise, as a child of a parent who worked shift work– it really is going to be okay. Because, working 12’s means you got four days a week off. Your family will get used to you switching holidays. Sure, there are drawbacks. But I could list some drawbacks to any type of schedule out there.

And again, I genuinely have nothing against stay-at-home moms, or the people who met their future husband when they were 16. My parents got married straight out of high school (and are still together). So I know that it does work. However, I do have a friend who's been in the same relationship since her Sophomore year of high school-- and she still wants to wait to get married and have kids. So, don't worry, it's normal. But, in today's society, I think it's important to remember those aren't the only options out there. And if those don't feel like the options for you, you really aren't crazy. And you aren't the only one. Set your goals high-- whether they be in the family or the professionally or academically or elsewise. Because it's your life-- so you can't really do it wrong.

And, if you're reading this, you're likely between the ages of 18 and 22. So guess what-- it's really not that deep. Your twenties are a weird place where everyone has different things figured out-- and some of us have none of it figured out yet. Don't compare yourself to what anyone else knows, because I promise they are probably wishing they had something that you do.