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One of my favorite parts of being at the gym is the headspace it puts me into. It’s often one of the only times in my day where I have the opportunity to just be and just think. As a result, it’s when some of my best “think” sessions happen. It gives me an opportunity to truly think about and dig into some of the things that my brain may be too frazzled for at other points in the day.
Today, I was thinking about one of my biggest weaknesses. I constantly look at other people and second guess myself if I’m not doing, or don’t have exactly what they have. Being out of high school for two years now has given people the chance to truly go in their own direction and establish themselves and their dreams.
Some people have families now, some are graduating with associates, some have been working for two years, some have pets, some live alone, and so many other unique situations. I’ll be the first to admit that when I look at others and see them doing different things, it makes me wonder “what am I doing?”.
But when I actually look at myself and where I am, I'm totally proud. That's not to say there isn't bad days, but when I look at what I've accomplished I'm happy. I feel I've made headway on my own personal goals, and am setting myself up to meet my future goals. I honestly can say I would not change a thing.
I think it’s part of growing up; for the first 18 years of my life, me and my peers did nearly the same things. We all went to school, took the same classes, joined the same sports teams, and went to the same parties. It's like "what do you mean we don't have to do the same things anymore?'". Our schedules were fairly similar, and now we have complete autonomy over them and our choices. Maybe this feeling is a small town thing; I have nothing to compare it to so I can’t know for sure.
So now, when I see people moving out, getting married, adopting pets, getting a new car, or even having kids it makes me uncomfortable. Not even because I want that. I don’t want a house payment. I don’t want the responsibility of having an animal or even human relying on me. I don’t want car payments. I don’t want to work 40 hours a week year round quite yet. I don’t even want a boyfriend! Logically, I know this. And when I think about it for more than 2 seconds I’m like “yes, I am making the right choices for me”. For me, it’s not about necessarily genuinely wanting those things. But, rather, a gut “am I doing something wrong? Why do they have that and I don’t? What if I’m doing it wrong”.
And I guess the joke is, I’ll never know. So for now, I’ll just keep doing what makes me happy. I’ll keep doing the things that bring me joy and let the chips fall into place after that. If every step I make I do with a balance of my future goals and current state of happiness in mind, I don’t think I can go wrong.
And I intend this not as slander against anyone else’s choices, in fact quite the opposite. From talking to others, I know I’m not the only one to have these knee-jerk reactions like “wait, how did they do that?”. As I turn 20 soon, I’ve begun to realize that people are allowed to and should make decisions that align with their goals, plans, and happiness. While I still have to remind myself sometimes “Madison, you don’t even want a puppy, it’s coming less and less.
The people that I grew up with and I are branching off. Living our own lives. “Adulting” looks different to everyone, and realizing that is one of the steps towards adulting. Through both COVID-19 and college, I’ve had the opportunity to realize this. Everything is not always as it appears or as previously thought, and being able to see that is vital with growth.
We are all just trying to figure out adulting, unsure of our own steps. Looking around we may always wonder “Is the grass really greener over there?”. However, if we were to tend to our own gardens we would likely soon see them flourishing.
