Trust

Hi,

Sorry for the long pause! I’ve truly had so many changes in my life in the last month and a half and I really just needed time to focus and adjust and find my motivation again. It was a time for me where I would sit down and want to write and have no ideas or words come to mind. Just a blank page, no matter how hard I tried. And that never happens to me.

However, I’m back and I’m glad that I took that well-deserved break. Necessary downtime prevents burnouts down the road.

As I mentioned, I’ve been dealing with a lot of change and moving parts. I just started a new job, I went back to working full-time at my other job, my family is moving, I’m moving into my own apartment, and so much more. One of the recurring themes I’ve found in this season of my life is trust. Both how vital it is, and how crippling it can be when/if it is lost.

Trust quite literally takes years to build, and the stronger it is when it is broken the more difficult it is to get back. One of the biggest hurdles I’ve found is that without trust, it is hard to even open up that conversation to repair the relationship and rebuild the trust. A friendship where we prior had no problems at all communicating, I have no idea what to say to you. Anybody who knows me knows that I don’t struggle much with talking or communicating. In fact, I typically enjoy it. We’ve been close for years, but I no longer know how to convey my feelings. Because, did I really know you? I thought I did, but now I’m not sure. Why put the time and effort into a conversation and relationship when I’m not even sure you’ll hear or understand me. Why risk yourself, if you can’t trust it’s not just going to result in more hurt? It’s harder and harder to unlearn the sharp sting of betrayal the better you know someone. You can have all the genuine love in the world for someone, but without trust it can feel near impossible to be with them.

Being at a loss for words with someone you used to spend hours and hours with. Someone who you thought knew you better than anyone. If we’ve been friends for the few years and I could still end up hurt like this, why should I put more years in just for it to happen again? It’s hard to show up to the table for a serious conversation, when you’re not sure the table even exists. Watching someone say all the “right” things, but act in a different accord is one of the most confusing things I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve made this mistake in my own life, and I know others who have made the same, and I urge individuals to not let things get so far as to break that trust. Have an uncomfortable conversation in the beginning, before it gets to the point that you have to break someone’s trust. Because at least you can talk out an uncomfortable conversation. Once that base level of trust is gone, any conversation you have after that (if any) will be tainted with this anxiety and doubt. Especially after years of a relationship; it makes you wonder, “I put in all that time already, do I really want to do that again?”. The deeper and stronger the trust, the more it hurts when it is betrayed. The less I want to deal with that again.

Prior to this season of my life, I took trust for granted, especially with certain individuals. And that’s on me. I saw people as constants in my life. I took that trust for granted, and never imagined a world in which it could have been absolved. However, when that trust is broken, it seems impossible for anything to ever be the same again. And quite honestly, it might not. It might, but it might not. Listen to you and what you’re telling yourself. Don’t brush it under the rug, because it will come up later. It may be easy in the short term to let it go, but it will eventually rear its ugly head. Not that I’m preaching to hold onto grudges or anger (although I often catch myself with anger and resentment, as I’m not perfect), but I love the policy of forgiveness over forgetting. Accept and acknowledge that it happened, but don’t let it hold you down as anger will only poison the vessel in which it is held. When I catch myself with resentfulness, I acknowledge the emotion and move on, knowing that over time it will become less and less frequent.

Losing or changing relationships with friends is as deeply impactful as romantic relationships, if not more. So cut yourself some slack. I have times where I want to do something with them, but know I shouldn't text them. Or see a snapchat memory or Tik Tok that I deep down want to send them, but know I can't. Things like parties or friend gatherings and dreading that you might see them and be awkward. These happen with friends too.

The last thing I wanted to add is to prioritize yourself and your own space, and think twice before doing something that may seriously impact the trust someone has in you. Not that you can’t do something or make a decision for the sake of someone else’s happiness, but the manner in which you treat someone during all interactions (both positive and negative) can and will have an impact on trust.

And finally, I just wanted to say I am so incredibly thankful for all of the amazing family and friends I have in my life. I am genuinely so blessed and do believe that everything happens for a reason. While I may not be particularly enjoying this season, I am learning so much and it will and has undoubtedly made me a stronger and better person. And for that, I am lucky to have experienced it. This is a season, not an eternity. Just keep being the best person you can be.

A book I recommend: Everything Happens For a Reason by Mira Kirshenbaum