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There’s been several points in my life where I’ve struggled to find forgiveness– whether it be for something seemingly trivial or to something that was at the time earth shattering (for me at least). It can seem impossible. Literally. It’s so much easier to hold onto that anger than to work through it and accept it.
Recently I had an experience that was a bit of a full circle moment for me. I found myself in a relatively big life event almost a year ago now– and it was one that changed both my immediate and longer term life. Without going into details, at the end of it I quite honestly felt like I owed an apology by several people. But, I settled with the fact that I would likely never get that and I moved on. As weeks and then months passed, I thought less and less about what had previously felt like the end of my world.
Well, I guess Justin Bieber was right when he said “Never say never” because a few days ago I woke up to a random text from someone I thought I would have never heard from again. It was an apology. At first, I was mainly just shocked. I hadn’t thought about the situation in months and was perfectly content with where I was. I realized that while at one point in time all I would have been able to focus on was getting an apology and would have likely not even have accepted it, but now it seemed almost trivial. As I read the text, I realized that I had already forgiven them. Their reaching out seemed almost like a silly formality; I quite literally responded “Of course I forgive you!”.
As I continued on throughout the day and the week, those words continued to speak to me. Not for what they said at face value, but what I had realized as I read them. Hypothetically, imagine if I had chosen to wait for that formal apology to actually forgive. I would have been holding onto all that anger for almost a year. Think about all the other situations in life where you really feel like you deserve an apology– you likely haven’t actually gotten a number of them.
I imagined a world where I had held onto that anger, and I realized it would have only negatively impacted me. As people, we have no control over when other people reach out to us and what they say when they do. So I think back to months ago, when I would have spent days perseverating on how badly I wanted an apology. But, me perseverating on it didn’t make it come any quicker. Because I can’t control how other people feel and process things. And that may be a while. I was so grateful that I had been able to let those feelings go, and I almost felt bad for the person apologizing as I realized they had been holding onto the situation for far longer than I had. If anything, I had become incredibly grateful for that situation. While it did completely redirect me, it did so in a positive way. Of course I couldn't see it at the time, but in the end I really did benefit more than I ever thought I could.
As I realized that I had already forgiven them, without even knowing it, I was so grateful. I was so grateful that I hadn’t needed to hold onto that anger for a year. Because who really wins then? Not me. For, anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
I’ve always been a huge stickler for apologies, admittedly, but the last week made me realize how not helpful it is for me to hold onto a grudge waiting for one. People are people and people make mistakes. Not to say that you should let everyone back into your life– but I do believe it is okay to let things go. The only person that I torture when I ruminate on things is myself. There's been so many situations in my life where I've wasted so much energy and timing pining for something that only someone else can give me; an apology of some sorts. So, as I move forward, I aim to find more forgiveness in myself. The same forgiveness that I would hope people lend to me– as we are all imperfect creatures of habit.
I may not understand things and situations, but I don’t really need to. In the future, I hope to be able to reflect on that moment when I woke up and read that text and realized: “this all seems a little bit silly now, doesn’t it”. And the same concept will apply to so many things in life; eventually this will all seem a little bit silly. Don't give other people the opportunity to dictate how you feel.
