I've decided to let myself be happy

Live in the moment– or so they say. I’m definitely someone who struggles with that. I constantly find myself living in the future: what’s going to benefit me in the future, or what should I stress about now that may or may not happen in the future. It’s like, there's an infinite number of things that could go wrong! How could I not think about any of them?

But lately, I’ve been trying to catch these thoughts. Acknowledge them and let them go. I’m in a good place right now. I’m happy. But, I find myself wondering, when will it end? How can I get ahead of the curve– lessen the pain that I’m sure is coming for me. It has to be. How can I circumvent that now, before it’s actually here.

But, that’s not healthy. And I pride myself in catching it lately. They always say, depression is worrying about the past and anxiety is worrying about the future. Yes, I’m sure that is very oversimplified, but you get the idea. Now me– I’ve always been an anxious person. Constantly worried about the future– the unknown. But, I’ve come to realize (through plenty of hours thinking and therapy sessions) I can’t change that. The future is coming. And yes, there may be times that it sucks. But that does not mean I should let it rob me of my happiness now. There’s nothing I can do to change it anyways.

So yes, I still have those thoughts. And I still acknowledge them. But that is all I do. There is nothing I can do to change the future, so I may as well do what makes me happy now. I’ve accepted so much vibrancy into my life, and let go of so much. It was hard, and still is. It is SO much easier to cling to the bad and the negative. To remember what could have and you think should have been. To hold grudges over the past, and perseverate on what the future holds. But, I know it sounds cliche, but I’ve genuinely seen so many aspects of myself and my life reap the benefits.

Some days it’s hard, especially with uncertain situations. But, I’ve had less and less. And that's an improvement. What else can I really ask for? Focus on making it to the gym today– not for the next 6 months. Focus on studying for this test, not how you’re going to make it to the end of the semester. Focus on what makes you happy right now– not if you’ll ever grow to regret it. I’m a huge proponent of never having regrets– as I believe everything really does happen for a reason and you learn so much for every situation.

I’m so thankful for where I am and who I’ve surrounded myself with. Over time, you learn to downplay the negative effects people can have on you. But the energy you surround yourself with really is so important and it will affect you. This semester I’ve grown so much and I look back with so much joy. Not that it was easy, but it was happy. Probably the happiest yet. For the first time in nearly two years, I wake up everyday excited. It sounds dumb, but I wear jeans and cute outfits nearly everyday. I love going shopping. Last month I wrote a research paper on a topic I cared about for fun (not for a class). I've been going to the gym several days a week. And on the day's I genuinely can't-- I cut myself slack. Things I never saw happening for myself, started to happen! How could I not appreciate that! It’s hard to realize you’ve lost a grip on yourself, until you’ve found yourself again.

I still have so much to work on, but that doesn't mean I haven't done so much already. It maybe difficult, but some nights you just need to play really loud music and let yourself have a dance party (and I mean a full dance party. A move the furniture around dance party). Let yourself be happy and appreciative for where you are and what you're doing. Let yourself appreciate today, instead of worrying about tomorrow. It's not always going to be easy, and it's not always going to happen. But you do deserve it regardless.

So, I guess, I just urge you to soak today in. Allow yourself to feel the radiance around you. Because eventually, that radiance may be harder to find. And when that day comes, you’ll be missing today and wishing you appreciate it more. While there are harder days ahead, they aren't today. So I'm going to live today for today.