.png)
I’ll be honest, I totally failed at lent. This was my first year trying to adhere to something– and I nowhere near met my goal. Oops. But, as I am one for constant self-improvement and as the semester comes to a close in the next few weeks I’ve decided to set a new goal.
Self-proclaimed, I am a type-A control freak. And I’ll be honest, in some ways it’s incredibly helpful. I rarely (if ever) miss an assignment, I’m able to go to the gym everyday, I plan myself in social time, and I really enjoy the groove I have set myself into. But, as of late, I’ve begun to notice some cracks in the system.
I am, potentially, the least spontaneous person ever. I always joke “if it’s not in my planner, it’s not happening” because I really do schedule myself so tightly and I have a hard time adjusting that schedule to flex other things in once it is in my head. But, I do watch spontaneous and go-with-the-flow people with a sense of envy. That must be so nice!
If I had to guess, I think I do very well when I have a plan and I really do live a very busy life that requires some level of planning. When I don’t plan, things slip through the cracks and I’ve learned that through trial and error. It’s very comfortable and convenient for me now to feel like I have control over my life. But, that’s the thing about life. Often times, you can’t really have control. And personally, when I lose control in one aspect I’ll try to overcompensate in another. Which is really not helpful at all. So I aim to grow more comfortable with those moments that you can’t control.
I remember one day I was going to go to the gym after class, and then do homework the rest of the day. But, I forgot my gym bag and had to run home after class and I ended up doing homework before I went to the gym. It nearly sent me into a tailspin– solely because I had in my head that I was going to go to the gym first. As I sat there doing homework, I genuinely felt so bad! How dare I switch my itinerary around! Later that night after I had gone to the gym and finished my homework, iit dawned on me that it literally didn’t matter. I still went to the gym, and I got all my work done. And I had probably taken a year off my life stressing about the order of those things.
I like to always have the answers and a solid grasp on the situation, and if I don’t– well then I’ve always found it easier to just leave the situation, or asking clarifying questions until I have the answers. If you’ve ever made plans with me, you know this means I want to know 2-3 business days in advance exactly what time we will be doing something, and what we will be doing. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve fallen victim to my own processes and missed out on things that probably would have been fun because of my own undying and non flexible “scheduling” tendencies. It’s like when I sit in any public space– I always sit so that I can see the door and watch everything happening inside and anyone walking in. My overall need to know was taking precedence over anything else. I'll find myself not enjoying things simply because they weren't in my mental plan.
So as of late (and hopefully into the future), I’ve been trying to live out more of my own carefree dreams. Sometimes it feels like a nightmare (!), but sometimes it’s nice to just let things go. I definitely still hold the reins tight on most aspects of my life– but when I’m feeling crazy I’ll schedule last minute plans or do work not on my planner. But one of the biggest ways I’ve been trying to change is by being okay with not having all the answers and just letting life take it’s course. Yes, sometimes it is (incredibly) frustrating but then I have to remind myself that in the big scheme of things– it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to understand everything about everyone and everything to enjoy myself.
While I don’t see myself giving up the planner anytime soon (or ever), I have been enjoying the mental break. It took me a while to realize that the world will still turn if I’m not in control of everything. So, this summer– maybe I’ll be spontaneous. And yes, I know this sounds like planned spontaneity which kind of cancels it out. But everyone starts somewhere! Even Madison Weber, self and public proclaimed planner queen
.